Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.

So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

Doctors use poo pills to flush out dangerous superbugs - BBC

It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

NASA plans to build a giant radio telescope on the 'dark side' of the moon. Here's why. - Yahoo

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.

Be who you already are.

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

Have you ever had your crush reject you, and then later you all dated and married?

I was tired of fighting.

It’s here now, writing to you.

And the sadness?

How corporate America learnt not to mess with Texas - Financial Times

You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.

In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.

Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

Flipping two atoms in LSD turned it into a powerful treatment for damaged brain circuits - PsyPost

For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

US Steel Sale to Nippon Steel Poised To Close After Trump Deal - Bloomberg.com

But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

I had run out of hope.

What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

Why are right-wing commentators spreading conspiracy theories about Haitians eating local pets in Springfield, Ohio?

The sadness was still there.

I was tired of trying and failing.

It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.

Why do I feel like something bad is going to happen to me?

It’s still here.

You are like me, then.

But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

Its year 2041, and president Hunter Biden has ordered every republican who sweared at him to be arrested and shot. I am on my way to the death row listening to the cheer of the Liberal mob chanting death death death. How can I escape?

So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”

Your job is not to be the manager of your life, but the one who discovers yourself fully.